‘Fortunate,’ who asked that I not use his real name, got up and peeked between the slats of the blinds before turning back to me.

“Mind if I smoke lad?”

“Go ahead.”

“Bloody bastards’ll be all over me in an hour. Or less.” He lit a cigarette and drew deeply, knocking a full inch of ash onto the carpet before he spoke. “I’m thinkin you’ll be want’n to know the story from the beginnin. There don’t be much to the story, truth be told. I’d been laid off from the shoe factory on account o tha new computers. I was wanting to take some time to meself down at the pub, but me lovely wife dinna think it was such a good plan.

“She got me up at seven the day after, it or might’ah’been the day after that I cannot remember if I slept mor’en a day or less. She showed me the paper and told me some yank outfit was lookin for one o tha wee folk, wanted him to go on the telly and sell somthin to the kiddies. Seemed like it’d be easy enough work so I skipped my morning Guinness and went in for a talk.

“Now the lads back at the pub we a trifle concerned, you see, ‘cause they missed me for breakfast. But I was there for lunch, and told em all ‘bout my new job. They was a bit concerned about me workin for some American blokes but I told em all itd be an easy job and paid well. They’d see who was laughin when I was buyin the rounds every night.

“I ha’nt been back to that pub since. Once those damn lawers had me in a contract they put me on the telly with some tots they got from the daycare and had me act like I was runnin from the little bastards. Took me 10 minutes to make what id’have made at the factory in a week.”

“Didn’t it seem a little degrading?”

“Aye, a bit. But for what they were payin me, it weren’t a problem.”

“So how did things end up well, like this?” I gestured to the darkened lights and drawn blinds.
“It started that first day. They gave gave me a box and this damnable green hat and told me I didn’t have to come back, I could do whatever I wanted and still get paid.

“Seemed like a dream, it did. But they weren’t done with me. They sent a van after me, with cameras in it. There’s a transmitter in the hat like they use on bear collars. They track me everywhere I go, and the tells the kiddies where to find me. I don’t blame the kiddies, they’re being lied too. They think If the catch me I can make that sugary crap for em till blessed Saint Patty comes back to the Emerald Isle. Them kiddies are mean, though. See this here?” He rolled up his sleeve, exposing a 12-inch scar down his arm. “The bleedin fool thought he could catch me in a bear trap.

“I know what yer thinkin. Why don’t I just hide the hat? Or tell them I quit? It’s that damned contract I signed. If I quit, they take back everything they paid me. I can’t do that to the missus and the little one. Nope. Aint no laws to stop em. Aint no laws protectin us wee folk. I gotta give them lawery-types their credit. It’s not every day a human pulls one over on a leprechaun it aint every day at all.”

We were interrupted by a sound at the door. It caved in and a dozen children swarmed in after ‘Fortunate’ destroying everything in their path, a storm of sugar-crazed berserkers. ‘Fortunate’ Threw down his third cigarette, grabbed the hat, and jumped out the window, leading to a lot full of cars as run down as the motel itself. The camera crew was waiting, a boom mic ready to capture the painfully forced glee of his parting cry.

“They’re after me lucky charms!”

But they didn’t live on the shelves of the stapler store forever. The dream of every stapler is to grow up and have a job stapling important documents. And sure enough, all the littlest stapler’s brothers and sisters started to grow up and get bought by people who used them to staple important documents. One of the littlest stapler’s sisters got bought by a famous author who used her to staple the draft of her newest book. One of the littlest stapler’s brothers was a very famous stapler. He was used to staple a treaty between two countries who had been at war for a very long time. He even won a medal for it.

After a time, all of the littlest stapler’s brothers and sisters had been bought and had jobs stapling important documents. The littlest stapler was the only one left, all alone on his shelf in the stapler store. “Who would want a little stapler like me?” he said, “I’m too small to staple anything at all.” One day, when the littlest stapler was feeling especially sad, a little girl walked into the stapler store. “What can I get for you?” said the man who owned the stapler store.

“I want a stapler,” said the little girl, “a pretty one!”

“Well how about a red one. That would be pretty.” The stapler store owner said.

“No,” said the little girl. “If I get a red one the boss-man might take it away.”

“Well, how about a blue one?” said the man who owned the stapler store.

“No,” said the little girl, “That’s the same color as the ocean. If I drop it in the ocean, I’ll never find it again.”

“Well, what kind of stapler do you want, then?” said the stapler-store owner.

“I want a little one that I can carry everywhere and who will be my friend.” said the little girl.

“Ahh!” Said the man who owned the stapler-store, “I have a perfect one for you right here, then.”

The man who owned the stapler sold the littlest stapler to the little girl, but the littlest stapler still wasn’t happy. “This little girl doesn’t look like she staples very many important documents.” he said. And the littlest stapler was right. The girl had a lot of tea parties with the littlest stapler, and gave him lots of hugs, and even had her daddy make him a little bed next to hers so that he could sleep right next to her. But she never used him to staple an important document.

One day, the littlest stapler got a letter from him mother and father. They were having a family reunion at the stapler store, and he was invited. This made the littlest stapler very sad, because all of his brothers and sisters were very important staplers, and he had never stapled anything even a little important. Not even a tax return. He went to the family reunion anyway, though, because he loved all his brothers and sisters and wanted to see them anyway.

Everyone was at the family reunion, and his brother was wearing his medal. It was a very nice medal,  made out of solid gold, with a blue satin ribbon to hold it on. The littlest stapler felt very out of place around so many big important staplers. When the littlest stapler talked to all his brothers and sisters though, he was very confused. It seemed like they were all jealous of him! He finally went and asked his mom why everyone was acting so strange. After all, they were all better staplers than he was. She said to him, “Son, all your brothers and sisters have important jobs, and some of them are very famous. But you are the only stapler who has a friend.”