“It’ain’t easy, livin like I do. I got a wife and kid, you know, the wee one ain’t even know his papy’s face.”
‘Fortunate,’ who asked that I not use his real name, got up and peeked between the slats of the blinds before turning back to me.
“Mind if I smoke lad?”
“Go ahead.”
“Bloody bastards’ll be all over me in an hour. Or less.” He lit a cigarette and drew deeply, knocking a full inch of ash onto the carpet before he spoke. “I’m thinkin you’ll be want’n to know the story from the beginnin. There don’t be much to the story, truth be told. I’d been laid off from the shoe factory on account o tha new computers. I was wanting to take some time to meself down at the pub, but me lovely wife dinna think it was such a good plan.
“She got me up at seven the day after, it or might’ah’been the day after that I cannot remember if I slept mor’en a day or less. She showed me the paper and told me some yank outfit was lookin for one o tha wee folk, wanted him to go on the telly and sell somthin to the kiddies. Seemed like it’d be easy enough work so I skipped my morning Guinness and went in for a talk.
“Now the lads back at the pub we a trifle concerned, you see, ‘cause they missed me for breakfast. But I was there for lunch, and told em all ‘bout my new job. They was a bit concerned about me workin for some American blokes but I told em all itd be an easy job and paid well. They’d see who was laughin when I was buyin the rounds every night.
“I ha’nt been back to that pub since. Once those damn lawers had me in a contract they put me on the telly with some tots they got from the daycare and had me act like I was runnin from the little bastards. Took me 10 minutes to make what id’have made at the factory in a week.”
“Didn’t it seem a little degrading?”
“Aye, a bit. But for what they were payin me, it weren’t a problem.”
“So how did things end up well, like this?” I gestured to the darkened lights and drawn blinds.
“It started that first day. They gave gave me a box and this damnable green hat and told me I didn’t have to come back, I could do whatever I wanted and still get paid.
“Seemed like a dream, it did. But they weren’t done with me. They sent a van after me, with cameras in it. There’s a transmitter in the hat like they use on bear collars. They track me everywhere I go, and the tells the kiddies where to find me. I don’t blame the kiddies, they’re being lied too. They think If the catch me I can make that sugary crap for em till blessed Saint Patty comes back to the Emerald Isle. Them kiddies are mean, though. See this here?” He rolled up his sleeve, exposing a 12-inch scar down his arm. “The bleedin fool thought he could catch me in a bear trap.
“I know what yer thinkin. Why don’t I just hide the hat? Or tell them I quit? It’s that damned contract I signed. If I quit, they take back everything they paid me. I can’t do that to the missus and the little one. Nope. Aint no laws to stop em. Aint no laws protectin us wee folk. I gotta give them lawery-types their credit. It’s not every day a human pulls one over on a leprechaun it aint every day at all.”
We were interrupted by a sound at the door. It caved in and a dozen children swarmed in after ‘Fortunate’ destroying everything in their path, a storm of sugar-crazed berserkers. ‘Fortunate’ Threw down his third cigarette, grabbed the hat, and jumped out the window, leading to a lot full of cars as run down as the motel itself. The camera crew was waiting, a boom mic ready to capture the painfully forced glee of his parting cry.
“They’re after me lucky charms!”